The End is Coming..
Its Thursday the 27th of October, sadly due to staff issues I didn’t make it hear yesterday. I felt terrible especially as my brother had visited later in the day Tuesday and said he thought Gramps had deteriorated since they had last seen him. I am here now, and he looks like he’s dying today. I got here early today so I could spend a good three hours. He was not very responsive on my arrival but did open his eyes shortly after I arrived and held my hand. He seems to have a gunky eye today. I will touch base with the team and see what’s happened over the last couple of days.
Enough, it’s Time to Go..
I spoke with the doctor when she came in to check on him. He has a medication route in his arm now to make administration easier. She said they had managed to get him to clear his bowels which is great, and they think the perforation has healed. He has said that his shoulder hurts. She mentioned that he says his neck hurts, but he does lay the same way so that’s understandable. They administered some medication for his pain and will pop back in 20 minutes to see if this has helped him. They are going to look at his gunky eye too. I managed to have a small chat with him just before the medication kicked in and I asked him if he’s had enough now and wants to go and he said, it’s time to go and gave me a squeeze. I know sometimes people question about talking about the end with individuals, but I recall numerous conversations with mum and friends, asking me to promise if they ever got like that put a pillow over my head! It’s something we joke about but have an essence of seriousness about it. We all hope to go quickly and peacefully in our sleep. But we often end up having some sort of illness or disabling disease to contend with before the end. I am often also part of conversations such as if they were a dog, you would have them put down and put out of their misery. All is true of course, but the law does not allow this and that a whole different blogging material!!
Time to go and be with Mum, Gramps!.
I remember when I was with my mum when she was dying and every time she had a seizure, I would talk with her while she was fitting. I would tell her it was ok if she wanted to go, she was safe, and we would all be ok. She would then come out of the seizure and ask me what the hell I was talking about! She would say she was talking to me, but I was talking rubbish! I’d explain what had happened and she would not remember at all. It was a strange time with mum but made me think about what we know about the mind and just because the body is doing one thing the mind if often working in a different way. I find myself here having what appears a one-way conversation as Gramps is not obviously responding to me to an on looker. But I get the odd squeeze of a hand, or a frown and I know he is listening. He also smiles or laughs with his eyes shut, but he’s listening! So, I will keep chatting to him and telling him what’s happening, and I will guess his answers if needed! I will take the little hand squeeze, or the raised eyebrow because at this stage that might be the last communication we have! I do feel we are at the nitty gritty end now and it won’t be long, but as mum proved no one ever knows. One thing I do know is, Gramps is ready to go be with mum.
Everyone has a favourite!..
I have extended my carpark to stay with gramps another couple of hours. He has sat up and I have offered a drink he said he wanted but is not opening his mouth for it. I have just met one of the lovely team here who has been sitting in with gramps. She expressed that she has developed a soft spot for him. I was able to tell her about him which she said was how she had imagined him. She said she also loves to sit in here because of the country music station we have on. She said she popped in the other day, and he was waving his hand to the music. I told her that Gramps loved to dance and even Jived at my 21st to the garage music that was on. He loves his music and is a great dancer. She said it is always nice to hear about the people in the service as they often must imagine their back stories and don’t always get to know anything about their patience. She said she will often sit and hold his hand and he often ask where the kids are! So nice to hear that he has great company when we can’t be here.
Is this goodbye?..
Sitting with Gramps today is had been carryout out some online dementia refresher training and was on the How to recognise end of life in Dementia care. There are some videos along with the training and Gramps has been reacting to them. Chatting away and laughing. It was a little surreal listening and reading this information whilst he was lying next to me living the exact things I was reading. He has been a little more responsive during the time I have been training. I then had to sadly head off to return to shut the office. I gave him a kiss and said my goodbyes and today it feels like it might be the goodbye. He squeezed my hand and said God bless as I was leaving. I bumped into the doctor as I was leaving, and she asked how he was, and I could tell by her face that she also knows it’s not long. She said is he comfortable and I said I thought so after his pain relief earlier. I called my brothers on leaving and said they might want to visit as he looks like he is not going to be with us much longer. But we never really know so I will plan to go back tomorrow and see where we are at.